APOLOGIZING: How, When, Why and What Not to Do. A thread:

Us humans are flawed and imperfect. Which means we all reach a point where we need to own our mistakes and give a few rightful apologies throughout our life. Apologizing isn't a natural born human skill. It’s something we have to learn. +

Unfortunately; not all of us had an adult figure who modeled a proper apology. So when it comes down to apologizing, many of us don’t know where to begin, we mess our apologies up midway, or we still apologize like a little kid just trying to get back in their parent’s good +

graces. This dialogue is very powerful, so it’s important that we unlearn any crappy habits and teach ourselves how to give and receive a proper apology. +

My goal with this thread is to provide you with some guidance so you can start to own your mistakes, heal, maintain and repair your relationships. +

In this thread we will discuss: The power of apologizing Setting intentions When to apologize How to apologize Things that get in the way What to do if they don’t accept Spotting a fake apology Responding to an apology +

At the end; there will be youtube videos linked that I find to be the most helpful. I will also be posting this on my website if you prefer to read that way; the link can be found at the bottom of this thread. It's gonna be a long thread so grab some coffee or tea, and buckle up!

THE POWER OF APOLOGIZING: It takes a brave person with a healthy self esteem and emotional intelligence to apologize. It is normal to have ruptures in relationships every now and then. +

Rarely will you have a relationship where everything is perfect all the time and neither person messes up. Apologies are a necessary skill to adopt in order to maintain long term, healthy connections. Apologies are a great tool for healing. +

Whether or not someone accepts your apology; just by putting yourself out there and taking full responsibility is the first step towards healing from your mistakes and becoming a better you. +

On the flip side; receiving an apology whether or not you choose to accept it at the end of the day can also provide you with healing knowing that you are understood, validated and that this person realizes what they did wrong. +

Apologies are not instant fixes; they are a continuous dialogue that requires both parties to listen and communicate with complete respect and love. They open doors to repairing connections, regaining trust, and having a healthier relationship. +

SETTING THE RIGHT INTENTIONS: Apologies are less about our individual selves and more about the other person. At the end of the day; you are likely apologizing because you have harmed another human being. +

A genuine apology is one with the intention of repairing the relationship, taking responsibility for what you did wrong, committing to doing better and providing the other person with healing energy so they can recover from they way you harmed them. +

Receiving an apology can mean a lot to a person even if they don’t show it right away. It’s okay to want a little something in it for yourself like reconciliation with a relationship that you care a lot about or to heal from your past mistakes, but +

that shouldn’t be the ONLY reason. You need to go into it with deep empathy and remorse for the situation. If you go into it just wanting to clear your conscience, or take someone back just to continue your harmful ways; your apology then turns into a manipulation tactic. +

WHEN TO APOLOGIZE: Is it ever too late? The sooner the apology is done the more effective it is, but no; it is never too late to apologize. People understand that it takes a while to put that ego aside and realize you’ve made a mistake. +

It is better to apologize at a later time when you’re truly ready to take accountability, than to apologize before your ready and have your ego ruin your apology and further strain the relationship. +

If you are not ready for a healthy dialogue with that person then wait to apologize. Sometimes apologies that happen too soon can come off as ingenuine. It’s okay to give yourself and the other person some time to cool off. +

Try to read the room as best you can. Whenever you do apologize; just be sure to acknowledge how much time has gone by. +

HOW TO APOLOGIZE: Step 1: Journal about the situation. Write down what happened and asses the situation.

Step 2: Write out your game. Make sure it’s something you will stick to. Practice your apology. Make sure you hit these points: - Acknowledge how much time has passed if this is a delayed apology. - Acknowledge what you did wrong.

- Show remorse and empathy. Showing remorse means that you feel genuinely bad about what you did. Showing empathy means that you have a deep understanding of how you made that person feel. Don't over do it here though because then it can come off as guilt tripping and +

wanting them to absolve and carry all your guilt rather than you taking full responsibility. - Give them a resolution. Tell them all the ways you are committed to doing better. - Share your intentions. Tell them why you’re opening up this dialogue with them. +

If it’s a situation where both parties hurt each other, say something along the lines of “I really wanted to come forward and apologize for the part that I played and share with you how I intend on amending our relationship. +

I was also hoping we can open up a dialogue where we discuss how we can both do better since we both came at each other in this situation. I was hoping I can share my feelings too after I hear you out.” +

Step 3: Okay so you’ve practiced your apology and you’re ready to reach out. Don’t just dump your apology onto them. When you reach out, ask if it is okay to apologize first. See if they are in the headspace to have this conversation and revisit the situation with you +

especially if a good amount of time has passed. If they say no, or say they would rather have this conversation at a later time; respect their decision. Let them know the offer to have this conversation still stands and that you are ready whenever they are ready. +

If they say yes; go ahead and give them your apology. Step 4: So you’ve sent them your apology and now you’re waiting on their reply. Listen to them. You owe it to them to hear out how they feel. Apologies can’t just be you taking and unloading. +

Take notes on what they need from you in order to move forward. Remember that this is an ongoing conversation and not an instant fix. It’ll take time to amend the relationship. +

Step 5: After you’ve heard them out and negotiated how you’re going to do better for them and this connection. Now would be the time to explain how you feel too if this is a situation where both parties hurt each other. +

It might be helpful to send them this thread if you think they aren’t sure how to have this conversation. +

Tip: Dose the apology appropriately. An apology for canceling on your friend is gonna sound different than an apology for emotionally manipulating someone or cheating on someone. Don’t over do it or under do it. +

Step 6: Stick to your promises on doing better for the relationship. Hold the other person accountable for their promises if this is a situation where both parties hurt each other. Come to an agreement on how you’re both going to create a safe space for both parties to continue +

this dialogue if this is something that’ll take a while to work through. Show love, grace and respect for each other as you both heal. +

THINGS THAT CAN RUIN YOUR APOLOGY: - Overemphasizing your own guilt. This makes the whole apology centered around you and your guilt. It makes it seem like you’re just here to absolve your guilt rather than working towards a resolution. +

- Don’t make excuses. Yes, it takes two to tango, but while you’re in the middle of owning your shit is not the time to say “well I wouldn’t have acted this way if you didn’t act that way.” All you’re doing is just directing all the blame on them. Just sit there & own your shit +

WHAT IF THEY DON’T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY: Sometimes a good, genuine apology doesn't work. This could feel really hurtful. It stings like hell. You can feel shocked, rejected, bruised and a little embarrassed. All normal responses to having your apology not be accepted. +

But it’s going to be okay. Remember your intentions behind this was to offer healing in the relationship and if not accepting your apology helps them heal then respect that. You’re still here to work towards being a better person whether they forgive you or not. +

Here’s what to do if your apology is rejected: 1. Don’t get defensive. Sit with your emotions for a second. Acknowledge them for what they are. Process them. Find a healthy outlet to release those emotions. +

2. Give them time and space. It’s good to just back off right now. Let them feel what they need to feel. They may need time to absorb and process your apology. 3. Don’t take your apology back. Let them know that your apology still stands.+

4. Ask if it would be okay to revisit the apology and this conversation at a later time or if they would prefer that you just leave them alone. Respect their answer. This is not the time to push them. +

5. Tell them you respect their decision. Let them know that if they ever change their mind; that the door is still open. This goes a long way for people. It shows them that you are willing to be patient with them. +

6. Actions speak louder than words. Continue to correct your actions regardless of whether or not they accept your apology. +

RESPONDING TO AN APOLOGY: It can be a little nerve racking receiving an apology. We don’t always know how to feel, or what to say. Take all the time you need to process their apology. I am a big believer in that forgiveness is a CHOICE. +

People don't owe you forgiveness, reconciliation, or even a conversation. And people who are coming towards you with a genuine, selfless apology will understand that and respect your boundary. +

People who feel genuine remorse and empathy for the situation will continue to change their actions whether or not you choose to forgive them. Here are some tips for responding to an apology:

- Take your time absorbing and processing their apology. Let them know that you’ll need some time. It can be nerve racking waiting on a response so if you can give them a timeframe on when you’ll respond, do so. +

If you don't know how long you’ll need; communicate that too. Journal about how it made you feel, what your thoughts are and how you might respond. +

- If you choose to forgive them; you can say something along the lines of “I appreciate and accept your apology. I would like to move forward in reconciling our relationship. Maybe we can discuss a time and place to further converse on how we’ll do that.” +

- If you need more time to process; you can say something along the lines of “I hear you. I do need more time to process and decide if I am open to reconciling this relationship. I will get back to you in a few days or so.”

- If their apology seemed fake or ingenuine, you can say something along the lines of “I hear you. Unfortunately I don’t think now is the time to have this conversation. I think more time is needed to reflect on the situation and learn from the mistakes that were made. +

Maybe we can try to have this conversation sometime in the future after we’ve healed some more.” +

- If you want to reject their apology and be left alone; you can say something along the lines of “Thank you for apologizing; that’s very big of you. Unfortunately; I cannot forgive you at this time. I don’t really want to reconcile this relationship. +

I just want to continue to heal and release this relationship on my own. I would appreciate it if you could leave me alone, respect my honesty, and respect my boundaries. It’s good that you are correcting and owning your mistakes and I hope you continue to do that even without +

my forgiveness.” Block them after you send that if you feel necessary. Move on and continue your releasing and healing process. It’s big of you as well to respect your own wishes and boundaries. +

SPOTTING A FAKE APOLOGY: I think this is a super important topic to cover. I don’t want you to fall for a fake apology and get sucked back into an unhealthy connection. So here’s how to spot a fake apology:

- Their apology is set up like “I’m sorry but…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” All they’re doing here is shifting the blame onto you and not taking accountability. This sounds like “I’m sorry but you’re being too sensitive.” “I’m sorry but I only did it because you did …” +

- They don't give you room to feel nor do they empathize with you. They might be acknowledging what they did wrong but they may not necessarily feel remorse for the situation. +

- “I will apologize only if…” This is a conditional apology. It’s not genuine. They don't actually care about correcting and owning their mistakes. They’re just telling you what you want to hear and hoping you’ll say yes to the conditions so they can blame you too. +

Then they will most likely use the “I only did this because you did that!” tactic next time they make a mistake. +

- Their actions don't change. They can write the most beautiful apology you’ve ever received, but if they don’t support their apology with their actions, then the apology means nothing. +

It was a bogus apology. Someone who is truly sorry for what they did will not make the same mistake twice. +

Alright; that's all I have to say. If this thread helped you out in anyway; please RT it so we can continue to create a better dialogue when apologizing to people. Please see the links below for more resources:

LINK TO MY WEBSITE POST:

APOLOGIZING: How, When, Why and What Not to Do. — Tahnia Bright | Astrology and Tarot

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It all begins with an apology.

https://www.tahniabright.com/writings-...

HELPFUL YOUTUBE VIDEOS: How to make a proper apology: The power of apology: 7 signs of a fake apology: 3 ways to respond to an apology: +

What to do when someone doesn’t accept your apology: